The Quiet Heaviness Many Mothers Carry
Motherhood is often framed as a time of pure joy. Yet for many women, it also comes with a deep and confusing sense of loss.
This isn’t only about bereavement. It’s about the loss of who you were before, the life you imagined, the body you used to have, the birth you hoped for, the ease you once felt in your relationships, and the version of motherhood you expected.
These changes are real, and they can hurt, even when you love your child with your whole heart.
What does grief in motherhood actually look like?
Most of us are taught that grief only applies when someone dies. But in motherhood, grief often comes from things that disappear quietly. You might grieve:
The way your relationship changed after a baby arrived
Your old sense of freedom, energy, or identity
A birth that felt frightening, rushed, or traumatic
A feeding journey that didn’t unfold the way you hoped
The version of yourself who existed before everything revolved around another human
That’s what makes this kind of grief so confusing. You’re holding your baby while mourning parts of yourself and your life that no longer exist.
Both things can be true at once.
Why is this so hard to talk about
We like things to fit into neat boxes: good or bad, grateful or struggling, coping or failing. Motherhood doesn’t work like that.
A woman can feel deeply in love with her child and deeply overwhelmed by the life she’s now living. She can be thankful and grieving. Strong and exhausted. Fulfilled and lonely.
But when society expects mothers to feel only joy, anything else starts to feel like a personal failure — so women stay quiet.
And it is this grief that stays unspoken tends to grow heavier over time.
The emotional contradictions of early motherhood
One of the most difficult parts of matrescence (the psychological transition into motherhood) is how many conflicting emotions exist side by side.
You might feel:
Joy when you look at your baby
Sad for your old life
Pride in what your body has done
Anger at how unsupported you feel
Gratitude and resentment in the same breath
None of these cancel each other out. They coexist.
The work isn’t about “fixing” these emotions, It’s about allowing them to exist without judging yourself for having them.
“I feel guilty for missing my old life”
This guilt is incredibly common and incredibly unfair.
Missing your independence, sleep, career momentum, spontaneity, or sense of self does not mean you don’t love your child. It means those things mattered to you.
Grief doesn’t mean regret. It means something meaningful changed. It can also sow up in anger when you least expect it. You don’t need to erase what you lost in order to appreciate what you’ve gained.
When motherhood feels like losing yourself
So many mothers describe feeling as though they disappeared when their baby arrived.
This isn’t because you failed to “bounce back.” It’s because you are becoming someone new.
Motherhood rewires your brain, reshapes your body, and reorganises your priorities. You can’t go back to who you were before, but you don’t yet know who you’re becoming. It’s the in-between stage.
That in-between space is uncomfortable. It’s full of uncertainty, and questioning.
Reconnecting with yourself doesn’t require a total identity overhaul. It often starts with tiny moments:
Hearing music that reminds you who you were
A shower that lasts a little longer
A conversation that isn’t about nappies
A walk where you can finish a thought
Those moments matter. They are pieces of you still here.
How grief shows up in the body
Grief isn’t just emotional, it’s physical.
Many mothers notice:
Brain fog
Tight shoulders or jaw
Exhaustion that sleep doesn’t fix
A constant knot in their stomach
Feeling numb or overwhelmed
Being easily irritated or on edge
Your nervous system is responding to massive change, loss, constant demand, and sometimes a feeling of undervalued or unappreciated. Add sleep deprivation and hormonal shifts, and it’s no wonder your body feels stretched thin.
You don’t have to perfectly identify what’s grief and what’s motherhood — supporting your nervous system supports both.
Simple things help:
Drinking water and eating regularly
Gentle movement
Slow breathing
Letting yourself cry
Getting a hug or asking for space
These aren’t luxuries. They’re regulation.
Making space for emotions in everyday life
Sometimes we just need to let it all out, it may look like:
Saying “this is hard” out loud
Letting the tears come
Taking one deep breath
Choosing takeaway instead of cooking
Saying no to something that drains you
That’s not weakness. That’s self-respect.
When grief and mental health overlap
Grief, anxiety, and depression often blur together in early motherhood.
Unprocessed grief can look like:
Constant worry
Feeling flat or numb
Struggling to enjoy things
Feeling overwhelmed by small tasks
Being unable to rest
This doesn’t mean you’re broken. It often means you’re carrying too much alone.
Support isn’t just about fixing symptoms, it’s about having someone understand what you’re actually going through.
Whether that looks like talking to a counsellor, joining a mothers’ group, or simply saying “I’m not okay” to someone you trust, you’re allowed to reach out. You don’t have to carry this quietly.
